As I wrote in another blog (Read: Existentialism and positiveness) my younger
days were influenced by existential philosophy. Today I happened to read an old
short story of that time. It took me back to those days and the evenings.
As
sun set on those days, all existential thoughts surge in our mind. All young
hearts liked to watch the setting sun by the side of a lake or on the side of a
vast paddy field. The other side of wide paddy fields ended with the horizon.
There the autumn sun did set. The sun looked like a sacrificed animal, all red.
It smeared the silken sky with its own blood. Even to the last drop of the blood
it beams out as red light. Everything looked bloody.
We
sighed at the lost of the last hope. It will be dark again. It is the death of
another day. Nothing happened. No hope for a better tomorrow is conveyed. We
remember the words of the messenger boy in the play Waiting for Godot,
Godot, the waited Messiah will not come on the day, and he may come the next
day.
Another
day for a futile expectation.
The
dead sun will rise again to torture us with a new day. If there were no days!
But news days and new evenings always happened.
Those
were such days. The present scenario is different. I always find it difficult
to teach existential writings in the College, because the younger generation of
today does not comprehend the mindset of those old days. How shall I impart the
pensive mood of the days when I myself has overcome it? We are living in a
different world now.
Dusk
is still a time for me to evaluate the day I passed. I subject everything that
has happened during the day to a process of introspection. I try to find
faults, merits, effects, success, and defeat of all what I have said, thought
and done. The processes generally follow these steps, though not always in the
same order:
1.
Bring back to
mind all important thoughts, words and action.
2.
Were they useful
or helpful to me and others?
3.
Did they improve
the situation or physiological condition?
4.
What is the
effect of all of them – disturbed me and others/improved the situation/created
a dull atmosphere.
5.
What changes they
might have made to other’s attitude towards me
6.
What it did to my
personality?
7.
Will it be
appropriate to behave in the same way again?
8.
Make list of
thoughts/speech/actions that I should not repeat.
Why
I spoke angrily to others? This is the question that disturbs me in certain
evenings. I hate anger, but used to speak angrily at rare occasions. At every
evening of such days, I realize the futility of the action.
It
never improves the situation. It never leads anybody to truth. It never
transforms anybody. It does only one thing – destroy my personality. My peace
of mind is lost. I feel broken and desperate.
Unknowingly
we repeat narrating past events and same stories to the same group of events.
It is dull and negative. The point of narration of the event and the story is
lost. It becomes an old idiot’s story. So I decide not to repeat it anywhere
again. Let it go. I have new experiences.
Did
I spend money for the right purpose? Could I do without the new purchase? Has
it improved my life? If the answer is negative, I take a decision not to repeat
such mistakes.
Could
I do render a help to anybody during the day? This is a big question. Success
of the day depends on the positive answer to this question. I had a more than
one opportunity to help others. Have I utilized it? Could I make someone else’s
life better? What could I do to better another life?
Like
this and like this ….
I
go on introspection. I used to do it almost every day. Every day I discover a
heap of mistakes I have done during the day.
I
am not perfect. Perfection may not be attainable. But my struggle for
perfection makes my life and other’s better.
Professor
Jacob Abraham
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